22 hours ago
Saturday, January 24, 2009
EXECUTIVE ORDER -- ENSURING CONVENIENCES FOR LEFTIES
By the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States of America, in order to reduce the chances of carpal tunnel, to reduce the damages to suit coat cuffs, to reduce incidences of arthritis, to reduce the pain in the deltoids caused by the strain of signing executive orders on the right side of portfolios, and to stop the attention from the media and bloggers that the president is a lefty, I hereby order as follows:
Section 1. Revocation. Executive Order Right-sided products, is revoked. All executive directives, orders, and regulations inconsistent with this order, including but not limited to those issued to or by the whoever made this decision to have products designed only for right-handed citizens, are revoked to the extent of their inconsistency with this order. Heads of departments and agencies shall take all necessary steps to ensure that all directives, orders, and regulations of their respective departments or agencies are consistent with this order. Upon request, the Attorney General shall provide guidance about which directives, orders, and regulations are inconsistent with this order.
Sec. 3. Standards and Practices for development of products used by body part, hand.
All products developed in or imported into the United States that will require usage by the body part, hand, shall be independently tested by Consumer Reports to prove its effectiveness by usage by the left hand compared to the usage by the right hand. Only products that are rated to have equal effectiveness by both hands and with equal or no discomfort by both hands shall be used within the United States and its territories.
Sec. 4. Prohibition of Certain existing products.
All existing products current in the marketplace or have already been manufactured may be delivered to consumers for a grace period of the next 90 days. After the 90 day period, any products in the marketplace must be returned to the manufacturer for modification of ambidextrous usage or be destroyed.
Sec. 5. Special Interagency Task Force to monitor the enforcement of this executive order.
Establishment of Special Interagency Task Force. There shall be established a Special Task Force to oversee testing by Consumer Reports and the removal of existing products by the end of the grace period.
Sec. 6. Construction with Other Laws. Nothing in this order shall be construed to affect the obligations of officers, employees, and other agents of the United States Government to comply with all pertinent laws and treaties of the United States governing products used in the United States and its Territories. Nothing in this order shall be construed to diminish any rights that any individual may have under these or other laws and treaties. This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural, enforceable at law or in equity against the United States, its departments, agencies, or other entities, its officers or employees, or any other person.
THE WHITE HOUSE,
January 24, 2009
You know this is satire, right.